Day 151: Looking Back at Ourselves With More Grace

While I was eating lunch yesterday, a thought popped into my head about yesterday’s email.

I realized that I was looking at a 22 year old or even a 30 year old through my 70 year old lens.

I know better, and I still fell into that trap.

We all do it sometimes, and some of us do it most of the time.

We judge experiences of our lives from what we know now, not giving it the grace of looking, instead, at the level of knowledge, wisdom and emotional intelligence we had at that point in our lives.

The newest studies say that the brain is still developing until as late as 32. So the decisions we make before that and the meaning we give our experiences from those earlier years, need to be seen from a perspective of a person that age.

How often do we look back at our lives and judge mistake we made when we were young?

Or judge others for how they wronged us when they were also young and didn’t have all the answers or a high level of emotional intelligence.

We still don’t have all the answers and never will.

Grace is always called for in our daily lives.

Grace is especially called for when we look back.

Also forgiveness for the fact the we didn’t know what we were doing as much as we thought we did.

The same grace and forgiveness is probably due others in most situations as well.

Grace and forgiveness are gifts we give to ourselves first.

Both release us from the painful prison our judgments, guilt, blame, fear, anger and sadness put us in.

I married my high school sweetheart at 20 and we divorced at 24.

I had a booming career and I spent my free time with my face in a book, fully immersed in my personal and spiritual journey. He was happy staying exactly where he was. It became obvious we weren’t going in the same direction into adulthood.

He was devastated and I felt horrible. I felt all those negative emotions and took 100% of the blame.

I told myself I was selfish and had ruined his life. It was all my fault and how could I go out and be happy after that, knowing what I had done.

I carried that for years.

Grace and forgiveness begins at home, no matter which side of the equation you’re on.

For all I know, he could have said some bad words about me and moved on quickly to lead a happy life.

And yet, I kept carrying that weight as my penance.

We allow the people who have wronged us to live rent free in our heads as the stories are retold over time and cemented into place as part of the reason our lives are less than we had hoped.

We do the same with our guilt over the mistakes we made and the people we have wronged.

Both sides of this are equally destructive to our lives.

And over time so much of that becomes imbedded in our unconscious and becomes part of the old tapes that run our lives.

We are unaware of what is still stuck in those dark corners we never look at.

The truth is, none of us remain unchanged by life.

I’m reminded of a quote by the Greek philosopher Heraclitus, “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”

We are never the same person as we were.

Everything we do, ever encounter we have, every time we just look out the window to watch the clouds go by, we are changed by it.

We have a thought and we can’t unthinking it. It changes us from that point on.

That’s why it’s important to be aware of our thoughts, our beliefs and the language that we use.

We are never the same person stepping into the river because as we are changed by everything, so it our world.

Today’s Gentle Practice

Notice today if there is a past version of yourself you still judge harshly.

Maybe for a decision you made.

A relationship.

Something you said.

Something you didn’t know yet.

Then gently ask yourself:

“What did this version of me understand about life at that time?”

Not what you know now.

What you knew then.

Allow yourself to look back with a little more grace, compassion, and emotional honesty.

You were not meant to remain the same person forever.

None of us are.

And maybe healing begins when we stop demanding that older versions of ourselves should have possessed the wisdom we only gained by living through those experiences.

With you,

Lynn