Day 214: What Are We Bonding Over?
I haven't watched Star Trek since I was a little girl, but for some reason as I started to type the day at the top of the page to start writing I heard William Shatner's voice in my head saying, "Star date…".
Too funny!
It's interesting though what our mind can pull up when it's not preoccupied with worrying about something.
At that moment, my mind was calm and not focused on anything in particular.
I was reading an email from Reid Tracy, CEO of Hay House this morning and he was talking about how many conversations between friends start with everything that's wrong.
And the more I thought about it, in the U.S. culture, that seems to be true. I can't speak about other cultures, but I don't see that in Mexico.
There are more than enough topics to choose from.
Health issues, work issues, world issues, personal issues, money issues. There's always something we can find to be unhappy about.
The old, "hi, how are you?" seems to have been replaced by sharing the worst thing you can think of that's happened in your life since you last spoke.
If you entered a group of friends talking about whatever is going wrong in their lives that they're bonding over today and said, "My stock portfolio is up $2000 since yesterday, and I had a great night's sleep.", they may stop and just stare at you.
Like you don't understand the rules of commiserating.
But those rules keep everyone tuned to the same station.
Everybody tries to one up each other with something worse than the last person shared.
That way you can all feel better about the fact that you're not the only one with crappy stuff going on in your life.
But why would you want to reinforce the negative things by giving them your energy?
If you pay attention to your emotional set point, you'll notice you actually feel worse when you leave those conversations, no matter what your mind is telling you.
Sometimes it's better to step away from those conversations and find people who share your new vibrational energy. There it's encouraged to share what's great in your life. And you all contribute to raising the energy of the group as a whole every day.
As Reid points out, there's nothing wrong with being honest, and we all need someone to talk to when things aren't going well.
But, problems can't be the focus of your conversations or all you're going to see coming into your life is more of those problems you are giving your attention, focus, and energy to.
It's up to us to decide where our focus and energy are going.
Yesterday morning I was a little anxious because I couldn't visualize what the repairs that were supposed to be done would look like.
And as the day played out, I wasted my time being anxious because the repair didn't happen.
The day before I had asked that worker if he knew where I could buy more of the fencing I had installed.
After my escape artist dog took his little adventure, I realized the sides that were already fenced, weren't done to small dog standards and I needed more of the other kind of fencing to make sure the yard was secured.
Well, he showed up yesterday with the fencing and his son and worked all day to fence in both sides securely.
As I write this, Bodhi is outside, by himself, and I don't have to worry about his getting out.
This morning when I went for a walk and watched the sunrise, I could feel the lightness in my body having that taken care of.
Even though the major repair is still to be done, I feel calmer about it, because another thing that I was unaware was weighing so heavily, has been taken off my mind.
So I was able to focus on the family of quail enjoying their morning walk and the sun rising out of the ocean.
There are so many things running in the background of our minds that we're unaware of until they are resolved or let go.
We don't need to add to them by spending our conversations reliving every little negative thing we can find to share.
We can be honest about what's hard without making the hard thing the center of every conversation.
And we can get more comfortable sharing what's going right.
The wins.
The relief.
The small miracle.
The thing that finally got taken off our mind.
That is a different kind of bonding, and it raises the whole room.
Today's Gentle Practice
Think about one conversation pattern you often fall into.
Ask yourself:
Am I using this conversation to feel supported, or to keep the problem alive?
You don't have to pretend everything is fine.
Just notice what you're giving the most energy to.
Then share one thing that feels good, one thing that went right, or one small relief you can honestly appreciate.
With you,
Lynn
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