Day 234: Familiar Isn’t Always Safe
Two days ago we talked about relationships ending and how it's never easy.
We can feel stuck in a relationship, a living situation, a job, investments, physical issues, issues with the area we live in, even despair about the world.
How we process the emotions of each of those situations is the same.
We can feel trapped in any of them. We can rationalize the current situation by looking back at how good it was at the beginning. We can make excuses to overlook what went wrong and why it's ok to stay.
These situations don't have power over us unless we give them power.
We stay stuck by living in the past, afraid to look to a future that isn't going to look exactly the same as now, even though we aren't happy with how things are now.
Read that again, because logically, that makes no sense. But emotionally, we trick ourselves into thinking it's the best choice.
I get frustrated with myself when I see my attachment to a stock I just bought that starts to go down.
I want to sell it because I'm there to make money, not lose money.
But at the same time, I fall right into all the ridiculous psychology I just described about staying in something that isn't serving us anymore.
This is evidence that there isn't a length of time or another human required to elicit these conflicting emotions.
We humans are complex. We do things that outwardly make no sense, and yet we will 100% defend why we do them.
Stocks are my most frustrating example of this. I'm really good at picking stocks, just not making the decision of when to get out.
In hindsight, if I had known the first time my abuser hit me that it would take me 10 years to finally escape and cause me years of terror after that, I'd like to think I would have left right then.
We never know for sure what we would have done.
But, I didn't know. And I was in love. And he was sorry. It will never happen again. And I wanted so badly to believe him.
Who has ever asked for a divorce the minute they first have a thought that this isn't going to get any better and I probably don't want to be here anymore?
We wait, we gather more evidence, we look for other solutions, we talk ourselves out of it.
Why?
All the reasons I've already given.
Our thoughts, beliefs, habits, our society, all tell us that we need to be safe. And our safety comes in the package of what is known and familiar. Even if it's the worst possible choice we can make for ourselves.
It's primal, not logical.
That's why yelling at ourselves to "just leave" or "just sell" or "just make the change" usually doesn't work.
The part of us that is afraid doesn't need a lecture. It needs evidence that we can survive a different choice.
So we need to prove to ourselves, by making small shifts, that it's possible to feel better, be happier, and have the things we really want in our lives.
I told you about the line drawing I saw one day that was a complete paradigm shift for me and allowed me to start planning my escape from my abuser.
That was a big deal. It unlocked something in my mind that changed everything.
But the shifts were small.
I started saving the change from buying groceries. And I didn't get caught.
It proved to me that this may be possible.
And I kept going. For 3 years.
Until I had enough money and an opening to get away.
The stocks? I listened to an expert explain how he sets his selling price before he hits the buy button. I decided I could do that. It releases me from that emotional struggle when it starts going down.
Job? Relationship? Living situation?
It may be any little thing that lets you realize you deserve better and you can make it happen.
Small shifts give the frightened part of us proof.
And sometimes proof is what opens the door.
Today's Gentle Practice
Think about one place where you may be staying because it feels familiar, not because it feels right.
Ask yourself:
What small shift would give me proof that a different choice is possible?
You don't have to make the whole change today.
Just look for one small action that helps your nervous system believe you can move.
Sometimes proof comes before courage.
With you,
Lynn
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