Day 276: The Cost of Losing Peace
We control so much more of what goes on in our daily lives than we think we do.
Maybe not the weather, the ferry bringing glass from the mainland, the humidity that keeps cement and cabinet finishes from drying, or even the carpenter (although I tried).
But we have more control over the state we're in when we move through those things than we want to admit.
And sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit for what we create day in and day out because there are things we are continually creating that we don't want to take credit for or take responsibility for.
Wayne Dyer reminded me of three things this week. And I'll show you how quickly and easily they all played out in the space of a few days this week.
"A mind at peace, a mind focused on not harming others, is stronger than any physical force in the universe."
"Blaming others for one's misery means that you have to wait for the person you blamed to change before you can experience happiness. And that, of course, is a fool's errand. This is the opposite of self-reliance."
"Attachment to being right creates suffering. When you have a choice to be right or to be kind, choose kindness, and watch your suffering disappear."
When you first read these, you may think they're random, so let me show you how they all play together in real life.
The quote that's been loudest for me during the last few days has been number 2, blame.
I've been working on this difficult remodel that had a deadline of 4 days ago. And you may have figured out, I'm the kind of person who takes deadlines very seriously. It's my word, my commitment. Someone else decided that date, but I agreed to it.
I've done this a million times, I had my routine, my rules, well established. I've worked with the same crew for years.
At the beginning I had a mind at peace. This was a repair that we tacked a remodel onto. The problem was the other issues we found along the way.
Now the one about attachment to being right. This is been a difficult one for me most of my life.
I chose being happy over being right more than 30 years ago. But a deeper part of me did not make that agreement.
That brings out the , "See, I told you.", when my contractor doesn't do things they way I thing they should be done, and it turns out I was right and it costs us time.
I don't get upset with him. I just swear in my head and help him figure out how to solve this and get back on track. I also find it helpful if I can vent to one person just so I can't ell the whole story out loud. Telling it to my dogs is not fulfilling.
Blaming is where the carpenters come in. It's always the carpenters. Same story, different guys over the years.
How can I not blame someone when he only reason we are behind is because they did not deliver what they said they would anywhere close to the timeframe they agreed to?
But, what Wayne says about blame is very true. It frustrates me to no end, but the carpenter could care less. He rolls in when he's ready.
My peaceful mind held through the other things we found that had to be dealt with. It held when two hurricanes went by, thankfully not making landfall, but bringing tons of rain and humidity.
It started to break when it impacted my deadline. The humidity derailed cement drying, so no painting, also no finishes on cabinets, so no delivery.
And the hurricanes delayed the ferry coming from the mainland delivering the shower glass, by a week.
It's hard to blame nature, so I didn't go there.
I blamed myself, because I know September is the most likely time for hurricanes, which is why I wanted to do this in July. But the HOA didn't grant approval fast enough.
It's hard to blame the HOA, though I will if someone will listen to the story. But, I've noticed that any time I start to tell it, I feel my energy sink. Just the idea of starting the story, feels so heavy, I decide against it.
And this is a story I've been telling to all my clients for the last 11 years, multiple times a year. It's on loop. Only the particular details change.
But the HOA is a like a fortress. the only way through is if they open the gate. So again, blaming has no benefit, talking about it no longer makes me feel better. It makes me feel worse. And being right just isn't worth it. I'm tired of suffering.
Since the deadline passed, just as another hurricane passed by, the shower glass arrived and was installed in the bathrooms. They finished two nights ago.
With the help of the electricity being reconnected, A/C and large fans dried things so they could paint and that also was finished that night. And the carpenter finally appeared around the same time so the granite guy could come and take final measurements for counter tops.
I could feel the stress melting away. We were actually going to finish before the renters arrived. I wasn't going to have to move them somewhere else.
All the furnishings were put back where they belong yesterday along with a construction cleaning.
This morning the counters will be installed and the plumbing fixtures.
The renters will enjoy a vacation in an even more beautiful place than what they had booked.
The only sign of the remodel, the unstained door fronts on the bathroom cabinets, which I will explain, in a very short story.
My mind was never focused on harming others, well maybe the carpenter, but it did lose its peace. And there is a cost to that.
I hadn't really thought about the shift until my client texted me yesterday morning after there was no 4:30AM update. That's when I could see it more clearly.
Blaming the carpenter only affected my peace, so did wanting to be right. I couldn't change him and wanting things to be different than what they are is just crazy.
If I would have stayed in my peaceful mind when the deadline passed and more stuff hit the fan, I could have saved myself a lot of stress. Because none of turning myself into a pretzel to try and make it different made anything happen faster. It just wasted my energy.
And that's the part I want to remember.
There are things we can control, and there are things we can't.
But when we hand our peace to the thing we can't control, we lose the only place where we still had power.
The project is going to finish. The renters are going to arrive.
And I'm going to walk away with another reminder that being right is not worth suffering over.
Blame does not give me my power back. Peace does.
Next time, I may still swear in my head. I may still need to tell the story once so I can get it out of my body. But I don't need to move into the story and live there.
We can notice what is happening, do the next thing that is ours to do.
We can let people be who they are and still decide what rules need to change going forward.
And we can choose peace sooner because losing our peace doesn't make any of it go faster.
Today's Gentle Practice
Think about one situation where you've been blaming someone or something for how you feel.
Ask yourself:
What is this blame costing my peace?
Don't use the question to excuse what happened. Just notice what blame is doing inside you.
Is it helping you take the next clear step?
Or is it keeping you tied to the thing you wish were different?
You can still change the rules going forward.
You can still hold people accountable.
And you can choose not to hand your peace to something you cannot control.
With you,
Lynn
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